木曜日, 5月 07, 0021

Perpetual sadness

I feel really down, "i will not let you be the priority in my life, because im just an option in yurs"
>,<; i duno wat i sld be doing... i... i wana rush over n hug her n tell her she's the most impt person in my life...

but i didnt... instead i SMS her i'm a fool...
i SMS her how impt she is to me... i'm a fool...
i panic again...i'm a fool...

i sld hv just stop n dnt do anythg... but i cldnt...i'm a fool...

i SMS her saying how i feel n retort tt i'm feeling optional in her life...i'm a fool...i'm a fool...
i SMS her taking it all back...i'm a fool...

arghhhhhhhhhhhh~~~ stupid stupid me~~~

i SMS her thank her for everything she's done for me...i'm a fool...
i SMS her saying sry for all the hurt n sadness i've brought to her...i'm a fool...

it is a monologue again... ><; i'm a fool...

i pondered on her last words... on how contradicting i was to my words... to our miscommunications...i'm a fool...

i SMS her again ><; telling her how i think we miscommunicate... deviating into how she rules my heart n calm my soul...i'm a fool...

this morn i SMS her again...i'm a fool...
Telling her why i'm working on MP for... yes for our cafe... our dream...i'm a fool...
My last SMS to her...i'm a fool...
一度した約束は死んでも守れ... Keep a promise you once made, even if it kills you...i'm a fool...

i'm a fool...whom dont know how to appease you... knowing u wld cry yr self to bed last night... i stilll... i still... ><

Salute to all single mothers ^^ be strong~

I've always admired single mums, those whom faced the once unthinkable and surpassed everyone's expectations =)
In my life, as of now, there would be two single mums to be... Is it heart warming that i feel so proud of them? or is it sadness at the challenges they wld face?

Whatever the reason i grats them n wld give them my support n best wishes~

Mum-to-be says (12:21 PM):
*boss nvr care de.. as long i hungry, eat how many meals also nvm
*haha
Me says says (12:22 PM):
*wah lau... gona become pig lor~ LOL
Mum-to-be says (12:22 PM):
*yeah, coz got little one sharing food with me :D
Me says says (12:26 PM):
*ooo~
Mum-to-be says (12:27 PM):
*lol
Me says says (12:37 PM):
*eh... u pregnant le? hahaha
Mum-to-be says (12:38 PM):
*ya lor
Me says says (12:38 PM):
*congrats wor~ hahaha
Mum-to-be says (12:38 PM):
*now keep eating like a pig
*tyty
Me says says (12:39 PM):
*hohoho dont like tis say la~ hehe like this u happy wor~ gona be a mother le~ hehe
Mum-to-be says (12:40 PM):
*yeah hopefully
*tats wat gynae always told me.. zzz i will nvr know wat happen next
Me says says (12:41 PM):
*choy choy choy~ dont think negative! just becareful can le lor~ hehe
*so who's the daddy wor? hehe
*i didnt know u got married le~ hehe
Mum-to-be says (12:41 PM):
*my bf but haven planning for marriage
Me says says (12:41 PM):
*wah~ first up lorry then pay for ticket? @@;
Mum-to-be says (12:43 PM):
*:D coz i think our r/s not stable for marriage
*so i was thinking wan bb dun wan papa hehe
Me says says (12:43 PM):
*@@; wah winner.. then got kid???
**faint*
Mum-to-be says (12:44 PM):
*nvm la, now 21st century liao
*marriage liao if not suitable then divorce
*impact to children even worse
Me says says (12:44 PM):
*then kid leh? oh ok...
*so dnt let ur kid know who's his father la?
Mum-to-be says (12:44 PM):
*of coz bb with mummy
*hmm, still thinking wan to put dad's name in birth cert anot
Me says says (12:45 PM):
*@@; dnt put lor~ who u gona put in then?
Mum-to-be says (12:45 PM):
*can choose put or dun put dad's particular if not married
Me says says (12:46 PM):
*oic how ur family thinking of it wor? supportive?
Mum-to-be says (12:46 PM):
*but only thing is if i put liao, next time bf wan fight custody over bb will be easy, if nvr put, chances of him fighting of bb is low
Mum-to-be says (12:47 PM):
*they only nag and nag, say y dun marry, i so stupid, must rom and get him to buy house, even if divorce can get half of his money , so and so.....
Me says says (12:48 PM):
*>,> more hassle
*more emo...
*be happy best liao la~ hahaha
*true lor... like this u dont put bah =)
*be solo mom~ jia you~
Mum-to-be says (12:49 PM):
*ya lor, dun understand y must marry and get his money leh
*to me, marriage like a kind of investment nia
*lol
*if father of the child responsible, even not married, he will pay for the kids maintanance also mah
Mum-to-be says (12:50 PM):
*also will take up the responsibility of a father
Me says says (12:50 PM):
*yeah true!
Mum-to-be says (12:50 PM):
*if he is those bo chap types, married liao so wat,
Me says says (12:50 PM):
*hahaha totally agree!!!
Mum-to-be says (12:50 PM):
*everything end up mummy hv to pay, look after bb
Mum-to-be says (12:51 PM):
*hehe finally someone agrees with me
*i tried toking this to my aunt but like chicken and duck tok, she dun understand wat i mean
Me says says (12:51 PM):
*^^ no la older folks hv this type of mentality de lor~ hard to change their mind set
Me says says (12:52 PM):
*its not going to be an easy path to go wor... but as ur fren i'll surely support u hehe
Mum-to-be says (12:52 PM):
*but i dunno how my parents will react la
*coz they haven know yet
*haha
*my bro even worst.. jie, if u dun wan settle down, better abort bb la
Me says says (12:52 PM):
*wah~ winner lor~ how old is the baby
Mum-to-be says (12:53 PM):
*now only 9weeks/?
*think 10 weeks la, lol
Me says says (12:57 PM):
*ooo still quite early wor~ haha
Mum-to-be says (12:57 PM):
*yeah... everytime worried bb no heartbeat
Me says says (12:58 PM):
*nah dont wry =) thgs wld be ok de hehe

Pep talk #1

○ says (10:29 AM): 
y u felt u lost her haha ..
u sure melt one

● (10:30 AM): 
huh?

○ says (10:30 AM): 
it's very clear u wanna be with her again 
then jus call her lah

● (10:31 AM): 
her words make me scared...

○ says (10:31 AM): 
why? 
i dun understand aiya ..
if she really treasures u alot she'll call u and apologize one 
but if u really wanna give her aNother chance then call her lor
y so difficult
wat's so scary abt her words?
suicidal
aiyo .. getting involved in sucidal gals is very dangerous
why u like to live on dangerous grounds is it

● (10:32 AM):
"i dont wana repeat the same mistake of taking you for granted again. too late"...

○ says (10:32 AM):
wat's so scary

● (10:32 AM):
depending on how u see the msg
positive means she repents n knows her faults
negative means no use looking back... lets move on

○ says (10:33 AM):
i see it as positive
anyway, i always look at the positive side of things
:)

● (10:33 AM):
ya i'm trying to see it as positive too lor ^^

○ says (10:33 AM):
but is she really remorseful?

● (10:33 AM):
but i'm scared...

○ says (10:33 AM):
of wat
disappointed again?

● (10:34 AM):
i duno... i told u negative thinking...

○ says (10:34 AM):
i dunno u scared of wat
so i cant help u if u urself oso dunno u scared of wat
how to overcome?

● (10:35 AM):
yes... best pax to overcome it is her...
if she knows of how to appease my fears ><;

○ says (10:36 AM):
wat is ur fear?
how did she hurt u?
y u so scare
and of wat
keNNa hurt again?
hehe .. i tot u used to it and numb liao
kk ..jus kidding

● (11:06 AM):
i scared of her temper n making her angry
n alot of time its like 8 out of 10 words i say irks her

○ says (11:06 AM):
this kind of r/s very difficult to maintain wor
like living in fear

● (11:07 AM):
ya tt's y i'm trying to be more cheerful n not so u know expectant?
fear breeds mistrust, allows evil tots to manifest, causes miscommunications? then make u wana control more, find out more, become unease, become insecure

○ says (11:27 AM):
anyway
u r not entirely wrong
she's not thinking of ur feelings too
when she borrowed or use other guys $
let her knOw u dun feel gd when she does tt
let her knOw she has to think of ur feelings too
if she cant think of ur feelings
cant give and take
and jus wanna take
u see if u can hold on to a give and give r/s for how long
if u can take it gd for u
if not ... it's better Now then laTer

● (11:31 AM):
true... from the note u see she's self reflecting n remorseful bah
hopefully she can change...

○ says (11:33 AM):
then u must b clear to her tt you dun wish to see her spending or hanging out too closely with aNother guy/his $
and she must be honest with u and not do it behind ur back
cos when u find out
it's very difficult to even remain as frens
it takes years to build trust
but 1 sec to blow it

● (11:35 AM):
hai... >< i dont mind her going out w other guys
but i just wan her to respect me n let me know thgs lor...
like go out w who or do wat, so least i no need wry

○ says (11:36 AM):
k .. jus stAte ur 'requirements' clearly to her
tell her upfront let her knOw to prevent further mis understanding
this is a kind of comms to get a r/s going